The Dangerous Trend of Dragging Your Small Child Everywhere it Doesn’t Belong

I’m so ticked at this “blogger” that I have to comment. Look at this:  I’m an Idiot.

Also, grammar and spelling count. She fails at this repeatedly (just go look:  she’s a “reformed heroine addict” what, was Wonder Woman harshing her day? Was she addicted to Batgirl? The mind boggles) and she calls herself a writer. Hey, bitch, writing a badly written blog does NOT make you a writer. Get your shit published or STFU. But hey, she’s homeschooling the next generation. I’m SO excited that McDonalds will have no shortage of workers.

Now to address her idocy:

Back in the Dark Ages, when I was a child, there were kid things, and adult things. My parents hired a babysitter to go to adult things, or they (OMFG) STAYED HOME.

Our new parent entitlement society says kids should be allowed everywhere, all the time.

Um, NO.

Now? Kids go EVERYWHERE. Which is WRONG. And the first person who says, “But, we have to take them out in public to socialize them” is getting a brick to the head. You socialize your kids AT HOME. They learn manners at the dinner table – YOU teach them that there before you take them out in public.

This new generation of helicopter parenting and entitlement is going to swing back the other way. It currently is.

Having a kid is not anything spectacular. Sadly, in today’s society, being a GOOD parent is.

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To the Holier-than-Thou Childfree

Look, I get it. When you first discover you are not the only one who thinks kids are not the be-all and end-all of existence, you get a bit cocky. You bitch, you complain, you scream to the highest heights that kids suck.

But then, you get over it. Well, some of it. Ranty, frothing-at-the-mouth childfree people don’t help the cause any more than the super-über mommies help theirs. Be as offended as you want, but being a vocal asshat will not help your cause, regardless of what side of the fence you sit on.

I’m not a huge fan of small children, and I do bitch about the “parents” who think it’s cool and trendy and hip to take them to bars. But you will NEVER hear me bitch about a kid in Applebee’s, Chilis, and the like, because I know if I go there, I deserve what I get.

I am frankly quite annoyed by the militant childfree who think kids should be banned to mommy’s kitchen until they are thirty-seven.

Um, no. You are just as bad as the parents who bring their kids to a bar expecting us to all think it’s “trendy” and “cute”.

Fair is fair, asshats. I don’t want kids in my bar, and in turn, you can run all over Applebee’s all you want.

You militant CF’ers need to pick your battles. Don’t make us all look like dicks. You don’t help our cause.

And parents, A BAR IS NOT AN APPROPRIATE PLACE FOR YOUR CHILD. If it’s not a chain restaurant like Applebee’s, Chilis, Blackeyed Pea, etc., GTFO. That means Get The Fuck Out. Honestly. Fair is fair. And for the love of God, if your kid is bellying up to the bar in my haunt, trust me, I WILL call you out as a sucky parent. But, feel free to call me out if I yell at your kid in the playland at McDonald’s.

The Dumb Daddy Brigade Was Out in Force Tonight…

Here.

Let me start by saying I LOVE Oskar Blues. I truly do. They have the most kickass habanero wings on the planet and an EXCELLENT beer selection. The staff is friendly and the atmosphere is fun. They hang all their unused beer taps from the ceiling – it’s a great conversation starter and just damn fun to look at.

I do NOT, however, like clueless parents. There was a group of fathers in there tonight with six kids under the age of 7 between them, and they were all SITTING AT THE BAR. AT THE BAR, people. Six little kids drinking water and bellying up to the bar, taking up seats meant for paying customers. And, it’s inappropriate. IN-A-PRO-PRI-ATE. Period.

Then, they moved to a table.

For about ten seconds. After that, it was kiddie playtime while the dads slammed down beers and blissfully ignored the fact that the waitstaff was forced to monitor their kids. Which they should NOT have to do. To her credit, the hostess seating us saw the kids climbing on the booth she originally was going to seat us at and motioned to the server to see if it was okay to move us to her section instead. The waitress (and I need to get her name; she’s waited on us before and she is AWESOME) was gracious enough to agree. So good for them for seeing a problem and heading it off, but seriously, WHY IS THIS NECESSARY?

Quite honestly, if she’d tried to seat us there I would have declined, and stated why, loud enough for the clueless “fathers” to hear. I’m done being tolerant, people. You act like entitlement-minded pricks, I’m calling you on it. LOUDLY.

Listen up, assholes: if you want to drink beer and it’s your night to watch the kids, pick a house, order pizza, and send someone to the liquor store. DO NOT make the rest of us deal with your non-parenting. And to the manager of Oskar Blues, let me say this LOUD and CLEAR: your waitstaff cannot see these short little people when carrying a tray of food. If they were to trip over one of them (through NO FAULT of their own) YOU will be sued. So-called “parents” who cannot be arsed to mind their own demonspawn will think NOTHING of blaming you, your employees and your establishment if their kids get hurt. Also, I cannot believe these people are worth it. Breeders of this caliber are notoriously bad tippers and they leave a tornado of trash behind. I, however, tip well and don’t scream my head off in the bar. You may want to start courting your more reliable customers, or we’re all going to go away.

Children DO NOT belong in bars, and they ESPECIALLY don’t belong in bars if their handlers aren’t going to watch them.

Those dads were asshats.

And it’s really become time for bar owners and managers to start telling them to go to Chuck E. Cheese, where they belong. And you people who actually parent your kids need to get on them as well.

Oh wait…you lot weren’t dumb enough to drag your kids to a bar. You were either probably home with your kids, or you actually paid money for a sitter. If it’s the latter, I can’t believe one of you didn’t get up at smack these idiots with a menu.

One more thing: I WILL be calling out these businesses from now on. I may not have a huge following at the moment, but you’d better hope for your sakes I don’t get one. Just sayin’.

What We Have Here is a Failure to Communicate

I’m getting the distinct impression a good many of you think I am some sort of evil monster child hater and that I despise anything on the planet that might even HINT at having anything to do with a child. That is not the case at all. Either your reading comprehension isn’t working properly or my writing comprehension isn’t. So, let’s get this straightened out, once and for all.

The gospel truth is, no, I’m not a big fan of kids. I don’t HATE them, per se, but I AM intolerant of their shrieking, running around like monkeys on crack, and the general level of noise and mess they seem to make wherever they go.

That said, I take my interactions with children on a case by case basis. Pretty much under the age of five I don’t want to be anywhere near them, for the reasons stated above, but after that age, some of them can be interesting to hang out with. I tend to like the ones that are well-behaved, articulate, and a little precocious. I know two (both girls, ironically) that I find to be a lot of fun for a couple hours here and there. I’m pretty sure when they get into their tweens, if they keep going at the rate they are now, they’re going to be pretty cool kids.

I like books written for older children and teens. I read a LOT of them. I never discount a book because it’s centered around characters who are children or teens, unless the person writing the characters sucks at it (Stephenie Meyer, I’m looking at YOU). Same thing for movies. If the central character is a child, that’s cool, as long as the story is good and believable. So no, I’m not some frothing-at-the-mouth OMG THERE’S A CHILD IN THIS BOOK! IT SUCKS! person. At all.

Now, let’s get down to what I DO hate, because I think this is the part some of you interpret wrong. What I hate, with the heat of a thousand suns, is crappy parenting. The parents who allow their kids to do the shrieking, running, and mess-making in a restaurant that is NOT Chuck E. Cheese. The parents who bring their toddler (or baby in a carrier, THAT one never ceases to amaze me) to the Tuesday 9pm showing of an R-rated movie. The parents who bring five kids under the age of ten into a bar and allow them to play tag and hide-and-seek all over and under the furniture, and don’t look up ONCE to see what the kids are doing. The parents who, when you give them the stink-eye for this stupidity, get all up in your face and want to know how DARE you not adore everything their precious hellspawn are doing.

It’s not the kids’ fault they’re behaving that way. It’s the PARENTS’.

Kids will do what they can get away with. They’re KIDS. They don’t know any better. I can’t hate them for that. What I CAN hate, and what I DO hate, are these stellar examples of crap parenting (and lately it seems to me this is happening more and more) who have this super entitled attitude and think that having a child should not change their lives one iota. Well, I got news for you, people…

…it changes EVERYTHING. It’s not about YOU anymore. You want to go to the bar? Get a babysitter. Can’t? STAY HOME. Your child should not be exposed to what goes on in a typical bar, and frankly it’s bullshit to think that the people there drinking, WITHOUT kids, should have to censor their behavior because you think you should be allowed to do whatever you want, and the hell with everyone else. That’s the equivalent to me going to to Chuck E. Cheese and telling all the kids to sit down and STFU, because I want to have a beer in silence. Makes no sense, right? Well, newsflash, the reverse doesn’t either.

I’m also sick and tired of the many instances of parents coming into work late, leaving early, and just generally expecting everyone to cater to them and pick up the slack because they have kids. Hey, you have an emergency, great, I don’t mind covering for you. But this entitlement attitude has to stop. Whatever the hell you’re doing after work is no more important than what I’m doing. Just because you have kids and I don’t, doesn’t make your activities more important than mine. And for the love of God, DO NOT bring your kids to work. This is a place of business, not a daycare, and it is NOT my job to babysit for you. Now, I know you think I’m a pushover because I just can’t be mean to the kid because his parent is an entitlement-minded asshole, but that doesn’t mean I enjoy having to have a twenty minute conversation with Addyson or Brayden or whateverthehell other trendy name you just had to give your kid. (The name thing is a rant for another day, however.) I’m here to WORK, and I’m pretty sure when I took this job babysitting was not listed in my job description. Plus, trying to have a phone conversation while your kid is shrieking in the background is really fucking unprofessional and makes me look like an asshole. I don’t appreciate that. At all.

Now, I’m pretty sure a bunch of you are all popping blood pressure pills like Pez about now, thinking HOW DARE I not love all children and HOW DARE I say it out loud! I MUST be an evil bitch and of COURSE no one loves me and my life sucks, because I’m a bitter old woman with a shitty attitude because I don’t worship at the altar of the almighty child. Well, I’ve got news for you. I’m in a long term relationship with a man who also does not want kids and who treats me like I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him. I’ve got a bunch of friends who are witty, smart, and damn fun to be around, and like me in spite of the fact that I’m not perfect. And I am a cat owner who probably takes better care of her pet than most of you do your kids. At least I KNOW where “my” child is right now. (And no crazy cat lady jokes, people. Honestly. *eyeroll*)

But some of you, SOME OF YOU, the ones who PAID for a babysitter to have a nice evening out and had it ruined by the people mentioned above, the ones who DON’T expect their coworkers to pick up the slack for them, even though you have kids and boy wouldn’t it be nice to have brass ones big enough to pull that off like the shit parents do, but you have STANDARDS, and couldn’t take advantage of your coworkers like that, YOU are the ones nodding your heads right along with me.

So, evil child hater? Not really. No, I’m not a fan, but I could no more be mean to a child than I could kick a puppy. But some of those shitty parents out there – yeah, I’d love to smack them with a clue-by-four.

Arguments of the Childfree

So, my plan today is to beat down the most popular arguments of crap parents as to why we should all kowtow to the wishes, motives, and desires of their underparented, spoiled, shrieking brats. (Yeah, you 20% of the population out there that actually try to do a good job, you can lump yourselves in with me. I’ll don the asbestos underwear for all of us).

Let’s break down some common arguments as to why I should “suck it up and deal with” some of the inappropriate behaviors of some people’s kids, notwithstanding the fact that a) they took these kids out HOURS after what most of us would deem an appropriate bedtime and b) IGNORED all the shrieking/crying/running around like monkeys on crack because they don’t think their lives should change just because they had a kid.

I’ve been around the kids vs. no kids argument long enough to know two things: 80% of “parents” will get OMG WTF on your ass any time you suggest they might actually, you know, MAKE THEIR KIDS BEHAVE (common comments here are “they’re just kids” and “we are trying to socialize them” and “you just don’t know how haaaard it is!”) and 20% will say “OMG I paid for a babysitter to go out for a nice evening and some dumbass brought their three-year-old and he SCREAMED all through dinner” or “OMG my kids DO NOT act like that” or “OMG “WHO keeps their six-year-old out at 10PM???”

You know who you are. All five of you. I feel your pain. Really I do. I know it has to suck ten million times more for you, because you paid for a babysitter just so you could have an adult night out.

Every night for me is an adult night out. I can’t imagine how pissed I’d be if I PAID someone to watch my kids so I could have an adult night out and some asshat decided to foist his/her hellspawn on me.

Holy Hell.

Now, the dirt of why your kids are not the Second Coming, and why I really don’t give a fuck about them. Let’s cover the top arguments lazy parents use to justify why their kids belong everywhere and anywhere.

My kids will be paying your Social Security

Oh, STFU. Seriously? Social Security is slated to go broke the year I’m old enough to collect. And, your kids will still be living in your basement.

Who will take care of you when you’re old?

REALLY? How dumb are you, exactly? Have you ever BEEN to a nursing home? I have – I volunteered in one for over a year. And I can honestly tell you, there are a LOT of people there who have kids and NEVER SEE THEM. Take care of me when I’m old – what a joke. That, and PLEASE tell me the reason you had kids was not to have built-in staff.

My child might grow up to cure cancer.

Yeah, and your kid might grow up to be the next Charles Manson. Are we going to get a refund on all the tax dollars we spent on him then? I thought not.

It’s different when it’s your own.

Is it? Is it really? Let’s tell that to the many, many people who have killed their biological children. Because I think they don’t know.

Parenting makes you a better person.

See above. Clearly, this is not always true.

It’s the most important job in the world.

Again, see above. And, if it is, why the blue hell are SO MANY of you spending SO MUCH time trolling teh Intarwebs and bashing the childfree? Shouldn’t you be bizzy mums, raising your kids? What were THEY doing while you were hovering over your keyboard, waiting for one of us to post up why you annoy us?

Methinks thou dost protest too much. The six actual parents who read this are laughing their asses off right now, because they’ve heard your bullshit too. The rest of you are pissed because I used the word “methinks” and you think I’m being all uppity and shit.

If you have a kid (or two, or three) and are laughing at this, you know I’m not talking about you. The rest of you, well…

Parental Entitlement at its Finest

OMG, I can’t believe I almost forgot to post this rant. I’ve heard tell of this from many of my CF (that’s childfree for the uninitiated, Google it, I’m too lazy to explain it to you) friends, but luckily, I have never seen it for myself.

Until now.

This woman – and I swear by all that is holy I saw this – CHANGED HER BABY ON THE BENCH OF THE BOOTH SHE WAS SITTING AT. AS HER BREAKFAST WAS ON THE TABLE.

Seriously, moron? SERIOUSLY??? People are EATING, you asshat, WTF??? That had to be the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. They have BATHROOMS for a reason! Sheesh! I can’t believe someone would have the nerve, the self-important GALL, to subject the entire restaurant to that. I feel bad for whoever got that booth after her, and I’m rethinking ever going there and asking for a booth again. Ewwwww….

Some people need to realize that they are not the only people on the planet. Honestly.