Personal Responsibility: You’re Doing it Wrong

I just have to say, some people amaze me by their sense of entitlement and the way they believe that if they want something, they should just have it. They shouldn’t have to work for it, they shouldn’t have to try, they should just GET it, because they WANT it.

I’m speaking in very broad terms here because some of this is work related, and some is personal. But lately, I’ve come across a few people who just amaze me by their utter lack of sense when it comes to what should be earned versus what should be given.

GIFTS are given. And really, that’s pretty much it.

LOVE is earned.

TRUST is earned.

RESPECT is earned.

And yet I see more often than not people who think that just because they walk this earth, everyone should cater to them, or they think they deserve things they have not worked for, because they have an incredibly inflated sense of ego.

Those people need to get over themselves. You reap what you sow, and if all you sow is me me me, all you’re going to get, once everyone catches on to you, is no no no.

What goes around comes around. You’d better hope it’s not coming around.

Suicide Survivors

This post by Kristen Bauer (True Blood woo hoo) inspired me to write this. Not for the easily upset. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

For the New Suicide Survivor

You’re probably pretty confused right now. Your loved one checked out, offed him/herself, committed suicide (or my personal favorite, COMPLETED suicide, as if it was some fucking goal), ended his/her life, shuffled off this mortal coil, whatever. Trust me, if you’re not engaged in maniacal laughter now, you will be later. You have NO CLUE yet how gruesome your humor can go.

But you will. Oh, yes, you will.

Oh, and that’s normal. Don’t freak out about it.

You’re one of us now. The SURVIVORS.

Welcome to the club. You’re in good company here; the vast majority of us are everyday, average, ordinary people with one deep, dark, burning secret:

One of our loved ones committed suicide.

Oh, I’ve read all the psychobabble PC/happy crappy. We’re supposed to say completed suicide now. Or some other happy-smiley-crap.

I call bullshit. Let’s call a spade a spade, you and I. They COMMITTED suicide. They planned it, they waited, and when their particular trigger hit, they did it. They COMMITTED it. It was a rational act, as far as they were concerned. You and I probably disagree.

Were they really rational? Probably not. What person in his/her right mind thinks suicide is rational?

Were they in pain? Obviously. A pain that most of us cannot fathom. Most of us would not take our own lives, no matter what crappy cards life dealt us. Our loved ones did.

So, how do you explain this?

You can’t. Look, I’ve been there/done that/bought the t-shirt. You can second guess yourself to hell and back, and you know what? YOU STILL WON’T KNOW.

Stop saying shoulda/woulda/coulda. You shouldn’t, wouldn’t, couldn’t. You weren’t thinking like they did. You had no idea. Stop blaming yourself. There is not one survivor on the planet that would hesitate to stop a loved one from committing suicide IF THEY HAD KNOWN.

I didn’t. I couldn’t. You didn’t. You couldn’t.

Let me let you in on a little secret: people who plan to end their lives might broadcast it in a general sense, but when they REALLY decide to do it? Yeah, you won’t know.

Know why? They don’t either.

They plot and plan. For months, years maybe (and yes, some are impulsive and just do it, already, but I suspect that is the minority) but ultimately, you will not know what the LAST STRAW is. Nor can you. Because they don’t, either.

Stop freaking blaming yourself. I know it hurts. I know you can shoulda/woulda/coulda yourself into the nuthatch.

It wasn’t you. Did you hear me? IT WAS NOT YOU.

You’re going to be upset, at first, and then righteously freaking angry, and probably a million other things I can’t predict. What I will say is, the best piece of advice I ever got was this: whatever you are feeling is normal. And trust me, there will be days (and nights, especially) where you won’t believe that. But it is. Normal, I mean.

Be as crazy as you want to be. You will certainly not be the first person to think and feel as you do (but you will think you are). You’re fine.

Oh, and those people who tell you you’ll get over it? Fuck them. You’ll NEVER get over it. You’ll get through it, though. You really, really will. I won’t lie to you, it’s going to suck hardcore for a long, long time, but you WILL come out the other side. You’ll get through. But over? No. No, no, no.

Everyone has scars. Ours are just invisible. And they will pop up at the weirdest times and eat at your soul.

This is the price we pay for loving them. And I suspect we pay it willingly. Because we loved them.

Saginaw, MI

I both love and hate where I came from. Let me explain.

As a kid, I HATED Michigan. Saginaw, in particular, as that is where I grew up.

I still don’t like it, 18 years after I “escaped”. I would never, EVER, live there again. I got out, I’m happy about that, and I will NOT go back. EVER.

That said, it’s amazing the crazy stupid things you miss about your home town.

Dunkin’ Donuts. We had a cool 50’s sign. I hear it was torn down and got bought by someone. I hope they appreciate their piece of Americana.

Stroh’s Ice Cream – four blocks from my house. They had all the stick candy in all the flavors (think candy canes without the “cane” part). I miss root beer.

Ray’s Grocery. In the ice storm of ’74, we took the sled to the store. We thought we were cooler than cool.

Spatz bread and Kogel’s Ring Bologna. God, I miss Koegl’s. *sigh*

Tony’s steak sandwiches and Provenzano’s. *sigh*

Drinking and dancing at the Fordney. I spent my 21+ years there. Good times.

Working at McDonald’s and 7-11. Now you know why I went to college.

As much as I can reminisce about my childhood, I can gush about my life here in Colorado.

Awesome boyfriend: check.

Spicy hot Mexican food. Awwwww, YEAH! Oh, check.

Job I love: check.

Cool friends: check.

Weather: check (although I do need some FREAKING AIR CONDITIONING!) check (but NO HUMIDITY! Check check check!!!!!!!)

So, I do like a trip down memory lane, but I LOVE my life now.

Sorry, Saginaw, not coming back.