I must seriously be a glutton for punishment.

I am not EVEN going to go into the glaringly obvious craptacular Meyer-grammar that coats this novel. Reasoning with Vampires will get there eventually.

But, yeah. Bad grammar. This book has it in spades. Stephenie, dear, the dash is NOT the be-all and end-all of punctuation. Methinks you need an English class or two (or seven!).

Made it to PAGE EIGHT before my head exploded. I do believe this is a new record in bringing the stupid.

Explain to me, Mrs. Meyer, how ANY adult born after 1950 does not know you cannot put the spaghetti sauce jar in the microwave with the lid on? Do we not ALL know this is a bad thing? Are you seriously trying to tell me Charlie cannot manage this? The man lived on his own for years – even if he had Domino’s on speed dial he had to cook a meal now and then.

And, for the love of God, how do you cook spaghetti in boiling water and get a lump? How???? I have never managed this, and I suspect I’ve been cooking spaghetti since I was ten or so. Oh, and while we’re at it, boiling water does not “tremble” because you put a spoon in it, Bella. IT IS ALREADY BOILING.

Oh, but we’re not done yet, kids. Get a load of this.

Not too much later Bella says, at great length, how her mother is “dippy” and Bella has had to be her voice of reason, talking her out of some of her dumber escapades.

Pot, kettle, black anyone? Bueller?

Damn, Bella. Judging by your life choices I’m quite surprised your mom would even consider your opinion. Dippy? Yeah, you should be really familiar with that concept. REALLY familiar.

Honestly, Meyer, if you’re going to try and tell me Bella is the smart one in her family, you might want to portray her as smart occasionally.

So far, I have not seen evidence of this. At all.

I know it’s a recurring theme, but could Edward be any more of a control freak? Wow. Having Alice “kidnap” Bella for the weekend so they can keep an eye on her (for her own safety, of course)? Disturbing. And that’s only one of many, MANY examples of this kind of dysfunction.

After two and a half books packed full of “OMG EDWARD IS MY LIFE I CAN’T BE WITHOUT HIM” how in the HELL do you now expect me to believe Bella has pulled a 180 and loves Jacob? (Oh, but she can’t have him, because Edward is her life – God, does ANYONE buy any of this?) These books force you to suspend belief (and common sense) to a degree that is beyond incredible. I’m sorry, but if you can seriously buy any part of this insane story you really may want to look into psychotherapy. Many years of psychotherapy.

However, here is my biggest problem with this book: this whole werewolf-imprinting thing is bad enough in theory, but when you have a teenager imprint on a TWO-YEAR-OLD it’s just fucking sick. No, I don’t care that you went on at length about how it wasn’t going to be “sexual” (at first, but it’s okay – she’ll come to love him because he’s perfect for her!), it’s still sick. I’m starting to wonder if you believe in marrying girls off when they’re thirteen, Stephenie Meyer. Seriously. That’s messed up.