Eclipse, or Why am I Still Reading?

I must seriously be a glutton for punishment.

I am not EVEN going to go into the glaringly obvious craptacular Meyer-grammar that coats this novel. Reasoning with Vampires will get there eventually.

But, yeah. Bad grammar. This book has it in spades. Stephenie, dear, the dash is NOT the be-all and end-all of punctuation. Methinks you need an English class or two (or seven!).

Made it to PAGE EIGHT before my head exploded. I do believe this is a new record in bringing the stupid.

Explain to me, Mrs. Meyer, how ANY adult born after 1950 does not know you cannot put the spaghetti sauce jar in the microwave with the lid on? Do we not ALL know this is a bad thing? Are you seriously trying to tell me Charlie cannot manage this? The man lived on his own for years – even if he had Domino’s on speed dial he had to cook a meal now and then.

And, for the love of God, how do you cook spaghetti in boiling water and get a lump? How???? I have never managed this, and I suspect I’ve been cooking spaghetti since I was ten or so. Oh, and while we’re at it, boiling water does not “tremble” because you put a spoon in it, Bella. IT IS ALREADY BOILING.

Oh, but we’re not done yet, kids. Get a load of this.

Not too much later Bella says, at great length, how her mother is “dippy” and Bella has had to be her voice of reason, talking her out of some of her dumber escapades.

Pot, kettle, black anyone? Bueller?

Damn, Bella. Judging by your life choices I’m quite surprised your mom would even consider your opinion. Dippy? Yeah, you should be really familiar with that concept. REALLY familiar.

Honestly, Meyer, if you’re going to try and tell me Bella is the smart one in her family, you might want to portray her as smart occasionally.

So far, I have not seen evidence of this. At all.

I know it’s a recurring theme, but could Edward be any more of a control freak? Wow. Having Alice “kidnap” Bella for the weekend so they can keep an eye on her (for her own safety, of course)? Disturbing. And that’s only one of many, MANY examples of this kind of dysfunction.

After two and a half books packed full of “OMG EDWARD IS MY LIFE I CAN’T BE WITHOUT HIM” how in the HELL do you now expect me to believe Bella has pulled a 180 and loves Jacob? (Oh, but she can’t have him, because Edward is her life – God, does ANYONE buy any of this?) These books force you to suspend belief (and common sense) to a degree that is beyond incredible. I’m sorry, but if you can seriously buy any part of this insane story you really may want to look into psychotherapy. Many years of psychotherapy.

However, here is my biggest problem with this book: this whole werewolf-imprinting thing is bad enough in theory, but when you have a teenager imprint on a TWO-YEAR-OLD it’s just fucking sick. No, I don’t care that you went on at length about how it wasn’t going to be “sexual” (at first, but it’s okay – she’ll come to love him because he’s perfect for her!), it’s still sick. I’m starting to wonder if you believe in marrying girls off when they’re thirteen, Stephenie Meyer. Seriously. That’s messed up.

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Signs That You are Growing Old

We’ve all been there, or, we all WILL be there eventually, but I just watched a commercial that kind of sealed the deal for me. Here’s some top signs you have finally reached middle age (if not outright old):

1) You’re in an elevator and you recognize the music, even though it is the instrumental Muzak version of the song you knew as a teen (bonus points if you are singing it in your head when you realize this).

2) You see those “Hits of the 80’s” album specials and actually consider purchasing the set (bonus points if you still call new releases “albums”. Apparently they are CD’s now).

3) You see an actor from your teen years selling a cell phone plan for “seniors” (Meredith Baxter, I’m looking at YOU). Bonus points if you are thinking of getting this for your parents. Double bonus points if you are considering this for yourself (and WTF is wrong with you???).

4) You find your stash of hair scrunchies and wonder if anyone can still use them.

5) For you parents – your kids come to you and say “It’s 80’s day at school tomorrow – do you still have any clothes I can wear?” Bonus points if you have parachute pants and/or an alligator polo shirt – double bonus points if the shirt is pink. Super Atomic bonus points if you can remember doing this same thing to your parents on 50’s day.

6) You suddenly discover the “oldies” station plays hits from when you were in high school.

7) You start sentences with “I remember when” or “When I a was a kid” more than once in every five conversations. The more this happens, the older you are.

Look, it’s going to happen. I’m just pointing out the warning signs. Embrace the fact you’ve made it this far.

Three Olives OMG

I am not a fan of flavored vodkas, for the most part. In my experience, they smell REALLY good, and taste REALLY bad.

God help me, I’ve discovered two AWESOME exceptions, both by Three Olives.

Root Beer and Chocolate. OMG!

Do NOT start drinking these. You will quickly forget you are drinking alcohol. Seriously, they are that good.

I am normally not a fan of flavored vodkas, but Three Olives pulls out all the stops for these bad boys.

Smells good, tastes good – yep…SOLD!

Six Weeks ‘Til Unemployment, Bitches

Yep, I have six weeks of severance until I join the ranks of the Great Unwashed Unemployed.

I am truly under the impression this is GOING TO HAPPEN. Why? Because I’ve been looking since September. So, either I need to lower my standards (it is totally going to happen, you just watch) or OUR ECONOMY SUCKS BIG HAIRY DONKEY BALLS.

Or both, YMMV.

At any rate, I think we all know no one can live on what unemployment pays out. So, I will file, but I will also go to EVERY DAMN TEMP AGENCY in my town and the next three surrounding ones to get work. Because that’s the kind of slick bitch I am.

Fuck.