I had to have some fun with this review, because quite frankly I had none at all reading this book. There were more WTF moments in New Moon than at a convention of furries (Google it, the explanation would be another whole post). So, in that vein, I asked my friend Count Dracula to write this one, because I got ill every time I thought of doing it. Enjoy!

Dear Stephenie Meyer,

It has recently come to my attention that you have achieved great success with your Twilight novels. This has intrigued me immensely, as I have a great personal interest in fictional stories about vampires, seeing as I have been the subject of several.

I have read your first novel, Twilight, and your second, New Moon. I believe my good friend Daghain has commented at length about your first novel (you must forgive her, she is a bit impulsive and…blunt, but has my best interests at heart, dear girl) but I thought it might be more helpful to you if I took on your second novel myself.

I must say I am quite surprised by your portrayal of Bella Swan. I am still not sure who she is exactly, other than the fact that she has a very low opinion of herself and is apparently extremely clumsy. I must assure you that such an easy target would be of no interest to me; I prefer a woman who is intelligent and who exudes confidence, not some whining teenager whose self-deprecation knows no bounds. Yes, I know Bram Stoker portrayed Mina Harker as a frail, helpless woman, but I assure you, nothing could have been further from the truth. That lady was as wily and brave as any man, and I loved her all the more for it.

In all honesty, I have never met a woman either in literature or in the real world who thought less of herself than Bella Swan, and I have lived a very, very long time. I must also say this self-hatred is not an attractive feature in a woman, and I am surprised you would think it would be so, being a woman yourself. The fact that you made this silly girl your protagonist is really quite disturbing to me, and makes me wonder about your own self-esteem.

I also have to wonder about Bella’s self-centeredness. Honestly, the Cullen family throws her a fantastic birthday party and she sulks and whines? Quite frankly I would be horrified if the woman I was with spurned my generosity and goodwill so completely, and I would not waste another moment on her. Foot stomping is for four-year-olds, not young women on their eighteenth birthdays. The way you portray this girl is very unflattering.

In addition, I am quite disturbed concerning Bella’s elevation of Edward to god-like status. Vampires were once human, with all the flaws common to humans, and are still so in vampire form; to make them into beings above all reproach would be unrealistic and, quite frankly, stupid. No one could be so perfect and be likable, in my opinion, and it speaks more to Bella’s low self-esteem than anything. The fact that Edward has also shown himself to be possessive and domineering only makes this portrayal more troubling.

I am most confused by the fact that Bella seems to only be happy when she has a male in her life. She loses Edward, which devastates and immobilizes her for months (which is an entirely different problem, one which is probably best addressed with a therapist), then happens upon Jacob, and uses him to fill the void Edward has left. The minute Jacob disappears from her life she becomes obsessive about what has happened to him as well. This is not the behavior a woman with any semblance of self-esteem would exhibit, and I again have to question why you would portray this as normal behavior. Honestly, a girl who calls someone’s house every half hour is not stable, in any sense of the word. At this point I must question what you really know about normal human behavior, because, quite frankly, I suspect your knowledge is very minimal.

I found what little plot exists in this story to be quite unbelievable, mainly due to the insanely disturbing relationship between Bella and Edward, and later Bella and Jacob. Is this entire town full of unstable people? One has to wonder.

I must also address this notion you have that vampires sparkle. My dear lady, I have seen many things sparkle in my life – diamonds, the sun on the water, the light reflected off crystal – but never, ever in my over five hundred years on this earth have I ever seen a vampire sparkle. I suspect you thought this would make your Edward less threatening; in my opinion it makes him less believable. Vampires are not warm and fuzzy creatures by any means, and for you to paint us as such does a grave disservice to the living, who should be aware that we are not generally looking out for their best interests. I assure you, we are creatures of the night, we burn in the sun, and your feeble attempt to make us seem harmless is only going to lead your race to ruin.

Sincerely,

Vlad Dracula
Prince of Wallachia