So, my plan today is to beat down the most popular arguments of crap parents as to why we should all kowtow to the wishes, motives, and desires of their underparented, spoiled, shrieking brats. (Yeah, you 20% of the population out there that actually try to do a good job, you can lump yourselves in with me. I’ll don the asbestos underwear for all of us).

Let’s break down some common arguments as to why I should “suck it up and deal with” some of the inappropriate behaviors of some people’s kids, notwithstanding the fact that a) they took these kids out HOURS after what most of us would deem an appropriate bedtime and b) IGNORED all the shrieking/crying/running around like monkeys on crack because they don’t think their lives should change just because they had a kid.

I’ve been around the kids vs. no kids argument long enough to know two things: 80% of “parents” will get OMG WTF on your ass any time you suggest they might actually, you know, MAKE THEIR KIDS BEHAVE (common comments here are “they’re just kids” and “we are trying to socialize them” and “you just don’t know how haaaard it is!”) and 20% will say “OMG I paid for a babysitter to go out for a nice evening and some dumbass brought their three-year-old and he SCREAMED all through dinner” or “OMG my kids DO NOT act like that” or “OMG “WHO keeps their six-year-old out at 10PM???”

You know who you are. All five of you. I feel your pain. Really I do. I know it has to suck ten million times more for you, because you paid for a babysitter just so you could have an adult night out.

Every night for me is an adult night out. I can’t imagine how pissed I’d be if I PAID someone to watch my kids so I could have an adult night out and some asshat decided to foist his/her hellspawn on me.

Holy Hell.

Now, the dirt of why your kids are not the Second Coming, and why I really don’t give a fuck about them. Let’s cover the top arguments lazy parents use to justify why their kids belong everywhere and anywhere.

My kids will be paying your Social Security

Oh, STFU. Seriously? Social Security is slated to go broke the year I’m old enough to collect. And, your kids will still be living in your basement.

Who will take care of you when you’re old?

REALLY? How dumb are you, exactly? Have you ever BEEN to a nursing home? I have – I volunteered in one for over a year. And I can honestly tell you, there are a LOT of people there who have kids and NEVER SEE THEM. Take care of me when I’m old – what a joke. That, and PLEASE tell me the reason you had kids was not to have built-in staff.

My child might grow up to cure cancer.

Yeah, and your kid might grow up to be the next Charles Manson. Are we going to get a refund on all the tax dollars we spent on him then? I thought not.

It’s different when it’s your own.

Is it? Is it really? Let’s tell that to the many, many people who have killed their biological children. Because I think they don’t know.

Parenting makes you a better person.

See above. Clearly, this is not always true.

It’s the most important job in the world.

Again, see above. And, if it is, why the blue hell are SO MANY of you spending SO MUCH time trolling teh Intarwebs and bashing the childfree? Shouldn’t you be bizzy mums, raising your kids? What were THEY doing while you were hovering over your keyboard, waiting for one of us to post up why you annoy us?

Methinks thou dost protest too much. The six actual parents who read this are laughing their asses off right now, because they’ve heard your bullshit too. The rest of you are pissed because I used the word “methinks” and you think I’m being all uppity and shit.

If you have a kid (or two, or three) and are laughing at this, you know I’m not talking about you. The rest of you, well…