I recently read Twilight. It offended my inner English major. Here’s why. (And yes, I have both the education and the wherewithal to post up a paper with a relevant thesis, supportive examples, and conclusion, but you know what? This book is so bad it doesn’t deserve my efforts.)
Yeah. I said it.
Let’s start with Bella. Who the hell is she? We know NOTHING about her other than a) she’s obsessed with Edward and b) she’s one freaking clumsy bitch. Seriously, I could not honestly tell you if the author told us her hair color, she’s that transparent.
But Edward. Oh. My. God. We have at LEAST 250 pages of this 500 page book telling us how beautiful/perfect/awesome he is, with his auburn hair and alabaster skin that apparently sparkles in the sun. Hello, Bram Stoker fans! VAMPIRES DO NOT SPARKLE! I LMAO at that. Honestly. What a fucking wussy vampire. I’m pretty sure Stoker’s Dracula would eat Edward’s lunch in 2.6 seconds. Just sayin’.
Honestly, I cannot tell you what color Bella’s eyes are, but I certainly fucking know Edward’s go from gold to black, depending on how often he feeds. And he’s SOOOO beautiful, and SOOOO perfect, and SOOOO awesome. Gag me with a freaking spoon. Seriously.
I KNOW I am not the only one to spot the 67 kinds of dysfunctional this relationship is. He can overpower her? Check. She bends to his will? Check. He snaps his fingers and she comes running? Check. If you doubt me at all, please reread the last chapter prom scene and PLEASE tell me what part of that is not a totally abusive control freak. I will respond with a phone number for a good therapist in your area. And no, I’m not kidding.
Bella is SO WILLING to give up her family and everything she knows to be with Edward.
Have ANY of you looked up abusive relationship on Google?
Go ahead, I’ll wait.
Did you see, “isolates you from friends and family” or “makes you dependent on him”? DID YOU????? Take a good, hard look. How willing is Bella to throw off her earthly ties to be with Edward, who CLEARLY dominates her every thought? Am I the only one NOT drinking the Kool-Aid here???
I’m offended not only as an English major (which, I’ll admit, makes me feel superior to a lot of people because I PAID to learn how to critically read, and now I’m really regretting that, after reading THIS tripe) but as a woman as well.
ANY woman who thinks this is a healthy relationship needs to check her brain at the door.
It’s NOT. At ALL. If you can’t see that, I will take no responsibility for what happens to you.
Grow up, women. This is NOT a relationship you should aspire to. At all.
THIS is what happens when you give a Mormon a word processor. *shakes head*
PLEASE feel free to disagree with me – if you posit a good argument I’ll totally approve your posts, even if they are completely opposed to mine.
But don’t cry foul if I point out the stupid. You’ve been warned.
If you came here to say OMG YOU ARE A TOTAL HEATHEN OMGQWERTYLOLBBQ! Yeah, no one’s going to see that. Either make a point, or STFU. Your choice.
IMHO, this book is a TRAINWRECK. I’m going to read the rest of them, but I suspect my reviews are going to be less charitable as we go.
And YES, I am TOTALLY working on my novel. Because anyone stupid enough to publish this crap…