Why Twilight is a Trainwreck of Epic Proportions

I recently read Twilight. It offended my inner English major. Here’s why. (And yes, I have both the education and the wherewithal to post up a paper with a relevant thesis, supportive examples, and conclusion, but you know what? This book is so bad it doesn’t deserve my efforts.)

Yeah. I said it.

Let’s start with Bella. Who the hell is she? We know NOTHING about her other than a) she’s obsessed with Edward and b) she’s one freaking clumsy bitch. Seriously, I could not honestly tell you if the author told us her hair color, she’s that transparent.

But Edward. Oh. My. God. We have at LEAST 250 pages of this 500 page book telling us how beautiful/perfect/awesome he is, with his auburn hair and alabaster skin that apparently sparkles in the sun. Hello, Bram Stoker fans! VAMPIRES DO NOT SPARKLE! I LMAO at that. Honestly. What a fucking wussy vampire. I’m pretty sure Stoker’s Dracula would eat Edward’s lunch in 2.6 seconds. Just sayin’.

Honestly, I cannot tell you what color Bella’s eyes are, but I certainly fucking know Edward’s go from gold to black, depending on how often he feeds. And he’s SOOOO beautiful, and SOOOO perfect, and SOOOO awesome. Gag me with a freaking spoon. Seriously.

I KNOW I am not the only one to spot the 67 kinds of dysfunctional this relationship is. He can overpower her? Check. She bends to his will? Check. He snaps his fingers and she comes running? Check. If you doubt me at all, please reread the last chapter prom scene and PLEASE tell me what part of that is not a totally abusive control freak. I will respond with a phone number for a good therapist in your area. And no, I’m not kidding.

Bella is SO WILLING to give up her family and everything she knows to be with Edward.

Have ANY of you looked up abusive relationship on Google?

Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Did you see, “isolates you from friends and family” or “makes you dependent on him”? DID YOU????? Take a good, hard look. How willing is Bella to throw off her earthly ties to be with Edward, who CLEARLY dominates her every thought? Am I the only one NOT drinking the Kool-Aid here???

I’m offended not only as an English major (which, I’ll admit, makes me feel superior to a lot of people because I PAID to learn how to critically read, and now I’m really regretting that, after reading THIS tripe) but as a woman as well.

ANY woman who thinks this is a healthy relationship needs to check her brain at the door.

It’s NOT. At ALL. If you can’t see that, I will take no responsibility for what happens to you.

Grow up, women. This is NOT a relationship you should aspire to. At all.

THIS is what happens when you give a Mormon a word processor. *shakes head*

PLEASE feel free to disagree with me – if you posit a good argument I’ll totally approve your posts, even if they are completely opposed to mine.

But don’t cry foul if I point out the stupid. You’ve been warned.

If you came here to say OMG YOU ARE A TOTAL HEATHEN OMGQWERTYLOLBBQ! Yeah, no one’s going to see that. Either make a point, or STFU. Your choice.

IMHO, this book is a TRAINWRECK. I’m going to read the rest of them, but I suspect my reviews are going to be less charitable as we go.

And YES, I am TOTALLY working on my novel. Because anyone stupid enough to publish this crap…

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5 thoughts on “Why Twilight is a Trainwreck of Epic Proportions

  1. I completely agree with everything here. English majors unite! I applaud your efforts to continue reading, because I cannot. I felt like my IQ decreased enough reading the first one that I will not finish the series. Please blog after each book. I’ve heard things about each but because I haven’t read I can’t really say anything. I’d like to hear what you think though.

  2. While I agree with you that it’s not going to end up in the Novel Hall Of Fame.

    It’s a TEENAGE love story. I was a teenager once. Some people have obsessive love. They transfer EVERYTHING they are onto one person.

    That person becomes their life! They will do ANYTHING for them and to keep them. It’s not just abusive. It’s obsession.

    And while I agree that you never get descriptions about Bella other than clumsy and needy, it was written from a woman’s point of view describing what she would want her vampire lover to be like. Who cares about what the tramp in love with him looks like! LOL

    For me, it’s just a guilty pleasure! I don’t admit to it being the be all end all novel! But it entertains me! And to me, that’s all that matters!

    Now, go Team Jacob!

  3. You’re right, Karen, it IS a novel aimed at teens. That said, there are are a LOT of better written books for teens than this waste of a forest. This woman’s writing is awful. I weep for the people whose novels got tossed on the trash heap just so Stephenie Meyer could make bank on a poorly written teen angst novel.

    The relationship between Bella and Edward is the epitome of abusive. Don’t believe me? Start here: http://kar3ning.livejournal.com/545639.html.

    I’m sorry, but if I had a daughter, while I would not stop her from reading the books or seeing the movies, you can bet your ass we’d be having more than one discussion about why this type of relationship is completely inappropriate and just plain wrong.

  4. Oh Dags, they just get better lol.
    Wait till you get to Breaking Dawn 😀

    Also, Blake bought me a pin from his local comic shop that reads “Buffy stakes Edward. The End.”

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