Why Twilight is a Trainwreck of Epic Proportions

I recently read Twilight. It offended my inner English major. Here’s why. (And yes, I have both the education and the wherewithal to post up a paper with a relevant thesis, supportive examples, and conclusion, but you know what? This book is so bad it doesn’t deserve my efforts.)

Yeah. I said it.

Let’s start with Bella. Who the hell is she? We know NOTHING about her other than a) she’s obsessed with Edward and b) she’s one freaking clumsy bitch. Seriously, I could not honestly tell you if the author told us her hair color, she’s that transparent.

But Edward. Oh. My. God. We have at LEAST 250 pages of this 500 page book telling us how beautiful/perfect/awesome he is, with his auburn hair and alabaster skin that apparently sparkles in the sun. Hello, Bram Stoker fans! VAMPIRES DO NOT SPARKLE! I LMAO at that. Honestly. What a fucking wussy vampire. I’m pretty sure Stoker’s Dracula would eat Edward’s lunch in 2.6 seconds. Just sayin’.

Honestly, I cannot tell you what color Bella’s eyes are, but I certainly fucking know Edward’s go from gold to black, depending on how often he feeds. And he’s SOOOO beautiful, and SOOOO perfect, and SOOOO awesome. Gag me with a freaking spoon. Seriously.

I KNOW I am not the only one to spot the 67 kinds of dysfunctional this relationship is. He can overpower her? Check. She bends to his will? Check. He snaps his fingers and she comes running? Check. If you doubt me at all, please reread the last chapter prom scene and PLEASE tell me what part of that is not a totally abusive control freak. I will respond with a phone number for a good therapist in your area. And no, I’m not kidding.

Bella is SO WILLING to give up her family and everything she knows to be with Edward.

Have ANY of you looked up abusive relationship on Google?

Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Did you see, “isolates you from friends and family” or “makes you dependent on him”? DID YOU????? Take a good, hard look. How willing is Bella to throw off her earthly ties to be with Edward, who CLEARLY dominates her every thought? Am I the only one NOT drinking the Kool-Aid here???

I’m offended not only as an English major (which, I’ll admit, makes me feel superior to a lot of people because I PAID to learn how to critically read, and now I’m really regretting that, after reading THIS tripe) but as a woman as well.

ANY woman who thinks this is a healthy relationship needs to check her brain at the door.

It’s NOT. At ALL. If you can’t see that, I will take no responsibility for what happens to you.

Grow up, women. This is NOT a relationship you should aspire to. At all.

THIS is what happens when you give a Mormon a word processor. *shakes head*

PLEASE feel free to disagree with me – if you posit a good argument I’ll totally approve your posts, even if they are completely opposed to mine.

But don’t cry foul if I point out the stupid. You’ve been warned.

If you came here to say OMG YOU ARE A TOTAL HEATHEN OMGQWERTYLOLBBQ! Yeah, no one’s going to see that. Either make a point, or STFU. Your choice.

IMHO, this book is a TRAINWRECK. I’m going to read the rest of them, but I suspect my reviews are going to be less charitable as we go.

And YES, I am TOTALLY working on my novel. Because anyone stupid enough to publish this crap…

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Colonoscopy

I won’t go into too much TMI here, but let me just say my first colonoscopy this morning was certainly…interesting.

First of all, prep…yeah, you *really* want to either have two bathrooms or live alone for this one, and that’s all I’m sayin’. Also, whoever invented magnesium calcitrate is the devil. I’m surprised more people don’t upchuck that stuff. It tastes like sucking on a lemon followed by a bucket of rubbing alcohol. And no, I am not exaggerating. Ewwww.

After going without food for 24 hours, drinking things that could be used to make even the toughest Marine spill his guts, and going without about half of my required sleep, the actual colonoscopy itself was welcome. Hey, at least they were going to knock me out for the better part of an hour.

Quite honestly, that was the best nap I ever had. I have no idea what they gave me, but I felt a little fuzzy, fell asleep, and the next thing I new I was in recovery. I was a little off balance and out of it for the first 20 minutes or so, then I was up and ready for BREAKFAST. Keith was nice enough to go and be my “responsible adult” (I know, I know, but THEY don’t know if he’s responsible or not!) since if you don’t have a ride home, they won’t touch you. With GOOD reason.

After a couple cups of coffee and a real meal, I felt fine – it was no big deal.

So, for any of you that have this to look forward too, all I can say is, if you survive the prep, the actual test is a freaking cake walk.

Also, for your enjoyment, I give you Dave Barry’s hilarious take on the colonoscopy. Seriously, if you haven't read it, do. It's hysterical.

On a more serious note, if you’re over the age of 50, or have a family history of colon cancer (as I do) PLEASE get it done. It’s much better than a colostomy bag. Or a painful death. Just sayin’.

Snooze, An AM Eatery. Yeah, it’s AWESOME!

Keith and I recently discovered Snooze, an AM Eatery and Oh. My. God. It’s AWESOME.

Let’s start with the fact that they have a pancake of the day. A PANCAKE OF THE DAY, YOU CARBOHOLICS!!! If you like pancakes, you MUST check this out. They are creative in the extreme!

Also, ANYTHING on the menu can be modified to your tastes – they tell you this up front – if you don’t want potatoes (I don’t) you can get fruit. If you want no syrup, no sauce, no whatever, they’ll do it. Seriously, you name it, they’ll do it. They pride themselves on the fact that YOU are in charge of what you get for breakfast.

We’ve been several times, and I must say, I have NEVER gotten a bad meal there. ALL the food is excellent, the staff is super-friendly (the guy we had last week, I WISH I could remember his name, was BORN to be a waiter – he clearly LOVES his job and he was over-the-top awesome) and the decor is right up my alley – Rat Pack 50’s diner chic. It’s supercool.

There’s always a line out the door, but trust me, it’s worth the wait. If you’re in the area, definitely check it out!

It’s Not a Separation Date, it’s a Prison Sentence

Seriously, it feels that way. EVERYONE just wants it to be over, already. There’s very little to do except dwell on job hunting, what to do with our 401(k)s, unemployment benefits, what exactly we’ll be paid out for, etc.

I’m tired of it already. I’m tired of the ridiculous and crazy questions I’m getting about stuff that should be obvious if you spent ten minutes reading the employee manual. I’m tired of the endless discussions of what should we do, what will you do, what should I do, etc.

I’m just freaking TIRED. I understand the need to hash it out, to try to make sense of it all, but why am I the Agony Aunt here?

I’m thisclose to putting up a calendar and x’ing out the days. THISCLOSE.