Martinis for Breakfast

I find the calls/requests the fire department in this town gets endlessly fascinating.

This place used to be a really small, rural community, and apparently most of that feeling is still around, because we get some really interesting requests.

Just the other day, an elderly couple came by and asked if there were any firefighters who could help move furniture. Now, I ask you, WHO AMONG YOU HAS EVER THOUGHT OF THIS? The awesome part was, a few of them went and helped. That’s pretty amazing, IMHO. Oh, in case I haven’t said it, FIREFIGHTERS ARE AWESOME!

We also get random calls to the main office number about grass fires. Um, call 911! Apparently people don’t understand that I can’t just walk out to the bay and say, “Oh, hey guys, can you check out the grass fire at so-and-so?” I can’t. Welcome to the 21st century, people.

Oh, and if you smell gas? CALL 911. Don’t call me and ask what you should do. Know what I’m going to say? Get the hell out of the house and CALL 911.

I’d really like to help you, but I’m just the accountant, and the only reason I’m answering the phone is because the office guy is busy doing something else (probably telling one of you to call 911).

The people in this town are awesome, but they really need to realize it’s not 1897 anymore.

911 people. 911. We’d rather get a non-emergency call than get an emergency call to the main office.

But if you need help with your furniture, let us know.

…because I am about to lose my shit.

Biggest rant ever: WHY is a size 14 a size 16 AND a size 12, depending on what store you’re in or what clothing line you’re purchasing?

It’s 2012, people. CAN WE NOT ALL DO THE SAME MATH???????? REALLY???????????

And while we’re at it, WHY do clothing designers insist that fat girls want to wear colors that can be seen from space? Let me clue you in, Mr. Fashion Guru – I get enough attention for being fat. Being fat in clothes that can be seen from space? Um…NO. And your cuts are very unflattering. NEVER give a fat girl a shirt with an empire waist. Just sayin’. Dick. I get I’m not Kate Moss but FFS, I AM NOT COLOR BLIND. NOR AM I JANE AUSTEN. Just stop, already. Stop.

And while we’re at it, WHY establish women’s clothing sizes and then arbitrarily assign panty sizes that have no basis in reality? Are you SERIOUS? A size 10 panty is going to be a tent on a girl who can wear size 10 jeans. You ALL suck. STOP FUCKING WITH US ALREADY!!!!!!!!!

Kill me before I shop again.

In the interest of being more user-friendly (and my mom is on my ass about my swearing. Oh wait..) I removed a couple of “frothier” posts, but anything that had comments is still there…I’m trying to make this more Professional (?) Accessible (?) People-that-read-my novel-friendly (?) (Oh wait, should have probably published that novel by now…LOL).

Yeah, you know me.

So, somewhere into the new TV season (the line is so blurred now I have no real idea where it starts) here’s what I’m watching of the new releases so far:

Grimm: I LOVE this show. It’s like Harry Dresden as witch hunter. LOVE IT.

Once Upon a Time: Love this too. I’m intrigued as to how they’re going to work a second season into this, so we shall see. Deliciously good so far, though.

Suburgatory: Yeah, yeah, I know. I was hoping it was more Emma Stone in Straight A, but I’m holding out hope. It has some snarky funny moments, still.

The New Girl: I think I’ve finally given up the ghost on this one. I love Zooey Deschanel, but her doe-eyed innocence does not save this at all. It’s too much, IMHO.

Happy Endings: Surprisingly, this one cracks me up. A lot. Watched it on a whim, and settled in for the season. I like it.

Ongoing shows I’m watching:

Okay, I know, these aren’t “new” shows, but they are shows that have withstood the test of time, and I’m still tuned in:

Parks and Recreation: This cracked me up from day one, but now that I work for the government? Oh yeah, epic funny.

The Office: I LOVE THIS SHOW. If you’ve ever worked in Corporate America, you get it. Too funny.

House: I’m kind of over this one, but I loved the first four seasons and have committed to going down with the ship. The fact that Cuddy is nowhere to be found is a HUGE plus. God, I hate her.

That probably sums up my “regular TV viewing”. What are YOU watching?

However, I am not adverse to bringing an AK-47 to a paintball party.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

As many of you know, I recently went from being an accountant in the public sector to government employment. Now, before any of you get any ideas, I want to make a few things perfectly clear: a) I LOVE my job, b) I LOVE my coworkers and c) I have learned a LOT, and quite honestly it’s no better or worse than my former job, just a whole hell of a lot different. Let me explain.

While I’d imagine a good number of you understand corporate bullshit, you have NO IDEA about government bullshit. It’s the same bull, but it’s been twice as long since they mucked out the stall.

That said, and maybe because that’s been said, I’ve discovered that government employees (at least in my experience, but maybe that’s because I’m in local government) will bend over backwards to help each other. Probably because a lot of us have gone the public to government route, and everyone remembers having to basically relearn everything. Because the rules are completely different, kids. COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

Government is very interesting in that they have some VERY SERIOUS RULES about when shit has to be done, and VERY SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES if you don’t get it done, and done correctly…but they want YOU to wait until the last possible minute for them to provide you with the information you need to do it. (County government, I’m looking at YOU. And yes, I know the shit probably rolls downhill from the State, and downhill to there from the Feds, but there you go).

So, you end up extrapolating data based on theoretical numbers, and then, two days before you have to GET SHIT DONE, you get the real numbers and have to redo EVERYTHING.

Okay, I’ll admit, I have 90% of the work done, it’s just a matter of plugging in the new number, but do they not realize how MANY different forms I have to fix this on? It’s not that it’s a lot of WORK, but it’s a DAMN lot of CHECKING. And double checking. And triple checking. Because if you screw up ONE number, you’re hosed. (And this is where the lovely helpful government people come in. THANK GOD for them, or I’d be drooling in a corner right now. You know who you are. Thank you).

That said, there were days too when I wanted to bash Corporate America over the head with a two-by-four, and this is basically the same thing. It really does take at least one year in government work before you get a feel for what is going on, because you have to go through all the processes and figure it out before you can feel like you’ve got a handle on things. So I’m halfway there. I’ve got budgeting and mill levies and end-of-year resolutions down pat, now. Next up…ELECTIONS!

Stay tuned, people. I’m pretty sure there’s going to be a big ‘ol rant come March. Just sayin’.

I got into a conversation with someone at the local watering hole tonight that has inspired this post. I think it’s especially timely considering tomorrow is Thanksgiving.

I got into a conversation with the guy next to me about all kinds of interesting stuff, and he went out for a smoke and came back to see I was playing Words with Friends on my iPhone. So, he commented that he’d play me, but he wasn’t “educated” (we’d talked about our professions) and that I might be offended if he beat me.

I told him no, just because he was blue collar didn’t mean I thought he was dumber than I was, and that I actually don’t mind losing, because I find it does teach me a lot of new words. He was being a bit facetious, but he was also kind of feeling out my opinions on employment and status and who is better than who.

And that got me to thinking.

The world needs a lot of different people – bartenders, chefs, accountants, engineers, mechanics, maids, ditch diggers, plumbers, etc. No one is any more special or any better than anyone else. We all have our place in the grand scheme of the universe and we are all doing our part to make sure the world runs smoothly.

I would NEVER look down on someone who is getting up every day and going off to do an honest day’s work. I am not “better” than a plumber because I went to college and he didn’t. Trust me, when my sink backs up, that guy is freaking GOD, because I sure as hell can’t fix it.

What I’m trying to say here, in my less than eloquent way, is that in my book, ANYONE who actually works to earn his or her living is A-OK in my book.

The people who piss me right the hell off are the able-bodied lazy assholes who stand around with their hands out like the rest of us owe them a living.

Um, NO. I’m all about a hand UP, but not a hand OUT. I get that people fall on hard times, but honestly, if your hard times have lasted three generations, there’s a whole different set of problems at play here. Perhaps it’s time to stop the gravy train so you can figure out that us working stiffs don’t owe you a living. Just sayin’.

So, I got my laptop back from the repair shop (don’t ask) and I was siting here testing it out when I hear a crash outside my window. I get up, look down and see some guy tried to parallel park and smacked the car behind him. I watch the guy get out of the car, look around to see if anyone saw him (including looking up at the apartment building; clearly he wasn’t looking very hard because I was standing in the window, watching him), look at the car he hit, and DRIVE OFF.

What??? I knew he was going to do it too, the jerk, so I made sure I got his plate number. I took out an envelope, threw a business card in it, and wrote a note on the front for the parked car’s owner giving him/her the plate number and my info.

Now, it’s possible the guy didn’t hit the car hard enough to do anything, but seriously??? You just drive off? HOW FUCKING RUDE! And I’ll bet if someone did that to him he’d be screaming blue bloody murder right now.

This is what’s wrong with the world today – people not taking responsibility for their actions.